


kairosclerosis

by bakakaneki



Category: Original Work
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Sadness, happiness, nothing - Freeform, self-projection, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:15:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25187020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakakaneki/pseuds/bakakaneki
Summary: his smile is cold and empty and filled with nothing, and Nothing gazes at him with pride.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 5





	kairosclerosis

He laughs and the skin around his eyes crinkles. 

His smile is bright and blinds everything around him.

Love is in his kind gaze and comfort is in the warmth around him.

Happiness melts over his aura in waves, thick and honey gold dripping down his cheeks.

_Why are you happy._

The thought mutes his glory.

It isn’t a question. Not an inquiry.

_Why are you happy._

His eyes go wide and honey cascades into his mouth, and its too sweet, it washes over his body and it feels like heavy lead weighing him down.

_Who ever told you that you deserve this?_

His lungs are dry and heave with each breath, smile dimming and he hears screams of rage at how bright he was, how dare he shine more than the others around him.

_Why am I happy._

There is no reason to be.

What was so funny? So happy? So joyful? Its all fleeting. Happiness, it isn’t needed. Why would it ever be, when there is only an end? At nothing there will never be happiness. So there is no need.

_But why were you happy?_

His voice is shaking and his hands are quivering, the answer unknown in the length of his grasp. 

Why? Desire? Love? Humor?

_But why am I happy?_

His warmth is scorching and people shriek in pain and cry in sadness.

His stomach twists with hate and he doubles over, sobbing, retching, puking, trying to rid himself of the cruel nothing.

Salty tears enter his panting mouth as poison leaps out of his throat.

He’s too much, and yet not enough.

_You don’t matter, though._

Right? Right? Right?

_Nothing matters, you least of all. Don’t live for yourself, you aren’t worth it. Stop trying. Do it for other people, you selfish fucking trash._

Nothing is everything.

Love is Nothing, oh, god, he loves Nothing.

_Nothing loves him._

Nothing grasps him violently with cold hands, and Nothing caresses his cooling cheek with a mocking hand.

_It loves him, It loves him_ , he thinks as Nothing bruises him and bites him and loves him and cares for him, blood cascading in waves of crimson and he loves It, It loves him-

Right?

_I am happy._

He laughs and the skin around his glazed eyes goes loose.

His smile is cold and empty and filled with nothing, and Nothing gazes at him with pride.

_He was happy, because for one moment he wasn’t himself._

**Author's Note:**

> This is a vent. I’m projecting on a male character. I often experience this, pretty much daily, where “nothing” consumes me and eats me alive when all I’m doing is trying my best to be happy.
> 
> I realize, why am I happy? There is no reason to be happy when everything will be nothing, and that nothing is the only thing really that will be there to comfort me. 
> 
> Love, happiness, sadness, it doesn’t matter. Not really, not in the end.
> 
> He is sobbing and puking at one point. I try to convey here how realization of such a thing is also a part of that meaningless everything, that hate he feels for the nothing. Sometimes, I hate the feeling so much that my anger and hate makes my stomach twist with the need to vomit it all out. But then I realize, I need to embrace this nothing, right? Then everything will be alright.
> 
> But everything will be nothing so it doesn’t really matter.
> 
> The part at the end, about how he was happy because he wasn’t himself—it was linking back to the question of why he was happy in the beginning. 
> 
> And the reason why he was happy was because he wasn’t acting like himself, the him that was nothing and that was cold and empty and sad and lonely and too much and not enough. 
> 
> He was, essentially, acting “too happy” for HIM. He thought, I’m burning people all around me with my happiness. I shouldn’t be happy. 
> 
> In reality that is the real him but he has been so consumed by Nothing that he can no longer tell the difference. He is happy for a moment, then realizes, who is that, why is that, why am i, etc, and experiences a total mental breakdown. That other “him” is a stranger.
> 
> “His warmth is scorching, and people shriek in pain and cry in sadness”. 
> 
> This is basically trying to show how his warmth, or happiness, is so bright and joyful, but people around the world are shrieking with pain and crying for help and in sadness, so he feels as though he shouldn’t be happy because he doesn’t deserve to be happy. 
> 
> But then at the end, once again, this doesn’t matter, right? Because nothing is everything and everything will be nothing.
> 
> So his pain, his happiness, it doesn’t matter. 
> 
> “Don’t focus on yourself, ever. You don’t matter. None of you matters. Just live, and die, but live your life for other people. Never you”. 
> 
> At one point I characterize Nothing. That is to show how nothing is becoming a physical being in his minds eye, the only thing ever there for him because at the end It will be waiting for him and will comfort him into Emptiness with its cruel and mocking touch.
> 
> “...he hears screams of rage at how bright he was, how dare he shine more than the others around him.” Nothing is screaming with rage at him.
> 
> Nothing loves him, and he loves Nothing can be taken two ways at the same time. Thats what I meant it to be. Literally, he feels as if nobody and nothing love him, and that literally he loves nothing and nobody. But also, Nothing, the being, or thing, or entity, or feeling, whatever, loves him. Nothing adores him and preys upon him. He loved Nothing, he adores It and strives for its attention, he wishes to go to Nothing as it is “his best friend and lover” essentially.
> 
> This is how a feel, a lot of the time.
> 
> Have a good day.


End file.
